And Another thing...

There's a few things that really make me cringe, socially speaking. Here, let me list these things for you: -Liars, cheats, and fakes -Indirect communication, tell me how you see it, and why, none of this dancing around the issue BS. -People who have poor follow through; do what you say you're going to do. Make promises you can keep. If you're in a pinch and cannot follow through, then see bullet number 2, and communicate directly and clearly. That is all.

What I Meant To Say...

Here is what I've been meaning to write. Be patient, and forgive some of the errant thoughts. This is not well formed or polished in any way. That will come after I have wrecked the dam, so to speak. Also, take this with a grain of salt, this is how I think, aloud, or at least, in some what I can revisit my thoughts on a later date.

So, here I am, holding up somebody again. I feel so much like this will be Brianna again, that I will hurt again. I don't want that, but how does one change a patter that is long held? To just stop is such a simplistic thing; but I would love to be able to do just that, stop. If I didn't invest, wouldn't that be grand? The flipside of that is, would I be fulfilled and happy? Is there a way for this to cycle without my getting gutted like a fish? God, I hope so.

Avalanche

"Here I am, caught up in grace like an avalance, nothing compares to this love..."

Hellz yea. Thank God for things like grace, forgiveness, and peace.

Writing...

I think I need to start writing again.

Jayme, Jayme, Jayme...

Well, I'm somewhat glad I left the door open for Jayme to call me. I heard from her on Saturday, around 10:30 in the evening. She was stranded on I-5 in the unsavory boyfriends truck. She believed there was an issue in the fuel tank, and it had run out of fuel shortly after being filled. She asked me to come get her. I didn't.

I offered her solutions that she could enact upon herself. Call a towing service, or AAA, or tell Lane to come get her. However, she couldn't afford those options. It's sad, that she really has nobody to call right now.

I was more upset after talking to her than I am now, reflecting. I know that in gently being busy and unavailable I did the right thing. She has to live with her choices. She also has to accept that in some respects, she's "cried wolf" and lied a few too many times. It will be a special circumstance where I am so moved to come save her. I will not enable her to go back to him. I will not enable him to fight his battle in court. I believe him to be guilty, however, I digress. This blog is about holding my line with her.

My job now is only to suggest options she can use herself, and that keep us all out of the line of fire. I am not going to enable in any way. I am not going to disable, either. That's the key. No, I won't come get you and drive you back to the RV and then take myself home. You can't afford trips, and neither can I; I'm also not willing to stay the night to rest anywhere where that man lays his head. I suggested AAA, however, when she asked for mine, it's so convenient that a membership only works if the member is present to show the card to the tow driver. So, she has choices to make, but they're all hers, all the time now.

You can't help someone who won't help themselves. I'm sorry I can't rescue you, Jayme; you're going to have to do it yourself.

Friendship...

Friendship matters. It's not about the easy connections, friendship, in it's most real and honest form, is about having a family member that isn't a sibling. So, what do you do when one of these extra family members gets all buggered up and acts like a fool?

Enter my dearest "new soul" sister. Love this girl to pieces, really, but sometimes I am pretty sure she's simply retarded. She doesn't think things through, or consider all possibilities, she operates with her gut. Her gut isn't very smart. Today, she's mixed up with a guy I might place on parr with Richard Kuklinski... who was a mob hitman. She's moved herself into an RV in Coos County Oregon to be with him, and heaven only knows where her next meal is coming from... oh, did I mention he's currently on trial for raping a 5 year old girl? Yea, this dude's a real winner.

Here's where stuff gets crappy: people never listen. I KNOW, in my gut and every other cell, that this is a bad idea for her. I've shared my opinion on the matter, honestly and openly. We've had discussions about options and choices and ways to make decisions. I'm not upset she didn't listen to me. Actually, I'm really not too upset at all. I am worried. What happens now that she has no real job, and he's trying to stay out of jail? I don't know what will happen, but I don't feel good about the likely options.

So what do I do with this friendship? Do I abandon her? Do I keep trying to stay in touch? I mean, where do you stand when you know that her parents have changed the locks?

I choose to stand apart. It is not my job to judge her choices. Friendship of this nature, which is extra family, should be unconditional. I don't know how anybody else feels about it, but I think and believe that this should be like God's love. At least, as close to that ideal as I can get.

To that end, my decisions are the following: I will not abandon her, even though I don't agree with her. If she chooses that he is a good man, I accept that. If she chooses that he is not, and leaves, I will accept that as well. I believe that no matter what, she does need and deserve to have some voice in her life that reminds her she has worth and value, as well as reminding her to care for herself. Such is my new role.

Men...

I am beginning to wonder how difficult is it, in reality, to build the relationship I want...

Let's face it, as much as we'd like to live in a universe where love is a simple thing, love is complex. So is dating, dancing, and any other type of activity that might lead one to the belief that they may be experiencing love.

At any rate, I'm dating a fella. He's rather fun to look at, and a great dancer. I tend to like talking with him, when we talk. I'm not sure if I am as comfortable with my former philosophy of "if you're here, be here, otherwise go away". So, yea, I dunno. I am finding that talking with him around once a week, in txt format, it leaving me wanting more... I don't know why, either.

I suppose that this comes about because I just had my wisdom teeth removed, and I was kinda expecting him to call me or txt me to see how I was feeling after surgery. Sure, it's minor surgery, who cares, right? Well, my horse trainer called. So did Gretchen. Kaye came over to see me and bring me soup. My surgeon sent me flowers. Where the hell is this guy who things we're an item? Hm?

Is it because he was working? Probably. I dunno... I just dunno.