Things I'd Like to get to Say...

Here is what happens when you press all my buttons at once. I wake up at 5 AM to think about how you pushed all my buttons at once. I started off last night as stressed and sad and hurt by someones words and unrealistic expectations. I have no entered the "how dare you" phase of my thinking about how to handle this... and here is what I've come up with:

To Whom It May Concern:

We are adults. We are both honest and thoughtful people. So, why the hell are you expecting me to be the source of your healing? I am 35 years your junior. To expect me to treat you like a peer is insane and inappropriate at best. If you want to go ride with me, ask. If you want to get lunch, invite me, and if I cannot make it, understand that I have a lot of things going on. I am not retired. I am not lonesome. I believe that you are lonesome because your way of communicating tends to alienate people, quickly.

When we began this most recent adventure, I had no idea of what I wanted to do, I was operating out of fear. I appreciate your generosity with your knowledge and time to help me learn to deal with my newest situation and it's challenges. As I have grown and learned how to best cope with my situation, I need your immediate attention and hand holding less and less. This is a normal pattern; as the child grows up and develops the parent needs to stand back and let life take its course. Ours is a similar relationship. I am growing and making choices for myself, as well as my horse, and these choices should be respected even if you would make different choices. These are my choices to make, not yours.

To address your next point of concern, of course this summer is different than last summer. As time moves forward goals change, as do needs, commitments, relationships, stresses, and delights. Last summer I had different needs, as did you. Last summer I was not taking classes, trying to fix what I broke in my horses training, trying to forget how amazing my horses training was when I wasn't in charge and accept his mediocrity when I am in charge, and I was not facing the current set of intimidating circumstances. I am about to walk into the most intimidating courses of my education to date. I have been stressing about this since May, when I signed up for these classes. I have been avoiding these classes since my education began. I may have conquered math, but research is equally scary and there are two of those classes.

I don't ride on the property as much because I have been given the gift of use of a large arena with better footing. This has nothing to do with not liking you. This has nothing to do with not liking your property. This choice is made because when I broke several training aspects on my horse, I need a larger arena to achieve my goals right now. I cannot hand gallop in your indoor arena. I am not willing to fight with my horse in our outdoor arena; that would create more issues than it would solve. This choice is purely technical. There is nothing personal about this choice. I have the time to haul ten minutes up the road, and I am trying to make the best of my situation in order to reach my goals.

That is all.

Mulling it over...

People, in general, are high maintenance. Most adult humans need some form of consistent hand holding. No, not literally you goof, but in a psychological manner. Most people have no self worth, and are too quick to assume that because you don't choose to spend several hours with them every day something is terribly, irrevocably wrong.

Why can I not have many persons with whom I choose to spend my time? Why is this not ok with so many young and mature adult humans?! It blows my mind.

Am I so different from the mass adult population that I am capable of knowing, and enjoying many different people? My closest friend I see maybe once a month, but we call and txt. She is not jealous that I take time to trail ride with people. My closest friend doesn't ride horses at all, which is my passion. It's not a big deal to her that I spend most of my time and money in a truck hauling horses around the state to go riding with many other people who are not her!

Anyway. I am completely confused as to why mature women get all messed up when somebody who is 35 years younger than them doesn't want to hang out every damn day. It's not particularly natural that a 25 yr old woman would label her best friend as a 60 yr old woman. That's not a peer to peer relationship. It's not exactly healthy that one part of this wants to be a peer to peer relationship. Anyway, such is my situation. It is very frustrating and stressful.

I do care about the persons in my life, which makes it difficult to tell this person how I'm feeling and why I'm feeling that way. She's been my teacher, mentor, and generous family friend. She is a good person. I recognize the wonderful things about her; she does her best to keep my interests at heart.

I must remember to seek to understand. I must remember to judge only by intent, if I judge at all. We are only human, we will make mistakes. We will hurt each other. To quote a wise friend of mine who occasionally forgets that fact: Life is going to happen whether we want it to or not, the trick is to learn to minimize the damage.