Friendship...

Friendship matters. It's not about the easy connections, friendship, in it's most real and honest form, is about having a family member that isn't a sibling. So, what do you do when one of these extra family members gets all buggered up and acts like a fool?

Enter my dearest "new soul" sister. Love this girl to pieces, really, but sometimes I am pretty sure she's simply retarded. She doesn't think things through, or consider all possibilities, she operates with her gut. Her gut isn't very smart. Today, she's mixed up with a guy I might place on parr with Richard Kuklinski... who was a mob hitman. She's moved herself into an RV in Coos County Oregon to be with him, and heaven only knows where her next meal is coming from... oh, did I mention he's currently on trial for raping a 5 year old girl? Yea, this dude's a real winner.

Here's where stuff gets crappy: people never listen. I KNOW, in my gut and every other cell, that this is a bad idea for her. I've shared my opinion on the matter, honestly and openly. We've had discussions about options and choices and ways to make decisions. I'm not upset she didn't listen to me. Actually, I'm really not too upset at all. I am worried. What happens now that she has no real job, and he's trying to stay out of jail? I don't know what will happen, but I don't feel good about the likely options.

So what do I do with this friendship? Do I abandon her? Do I keep trying to stay in touch? I mean, where do you stand when you know that her parents have changed the locks?

I choose to stand apart. It is not my job to judge her choices. Friendship of this nature, which is extra family, should be unconditional. I don't know how anybody else feels about it, but I think and believe that this should be like God's love. At least, as close to that ideal as I can get.

To that end, my decisions are the following: I will not abandon her, even though I don't agree with her. If she chooses that he is a good man, I accept that. If she chooses that he is not, and leaves, I will accept that as well. I believe that no matter what, she does need and deserve to have some voice in her life that reminds her she has worth and value, as well as reminding her to care for herself. Such is my new role.

Men...

I am beginning to wonder how difficult is it, in reality, to build the relationship I want...

Let's face it, as much as we'd like to live in a universe where love is a simple thing, love is complex. So is dating, dancing, and any other type of activity that might lead one to the belief that they may be experiencing love.

At any rate, I'm dating a fella. He's rather fun to look at, and a great dancer. I tend to like talking with him, when we talk. I'm not sure if I am as comfortable with my former philosophy of "if you're here, be here, otherwise go away". So, yea, I dunno. I am finding that talking with him around once a week, in txt format, it leaving me wanting more... I don't know why, either.

I suppose that this comes about because I just had my wisdom teeth removed, and I was kinda expecting him to call me or txt me to see how I was feeling after surgery. Sure, it's minor surgery, who cares, right? Well, my horse trainer called. So did Gretchen. Kaye came over to see me and bring me soup. My surgeon sent me flowers. Where the hell is this guy who things we're an item? Hm?

Is it because he was working? Probably. I dunno... I just dunno.

Things I'd Like to get to Say...

Here is what happens when you press all my buttons at once. I wake up at 5 AM to think about how you pushed all my buttons at once. I started off last night as stressed and sad and hurt by someones words and unrealistic expectations. I have no entered the "how dare you" phase of my thinking about how to handle this... and here is what I've come up with:

To Whom It May Concern:

We are adults. We are both honest and thoughtful people. So, why the hell are you expecting me to be the source of your healing? I am 35 years your junior. To expect me to treat you like a peer is insane and inappropriate at best. If you want to go ride with me, ask. If you want to get lunch, invite me, and if I cannot make it, understand that I have a lot of things going on. I am not retired. I am not lonesome. I believe that you are lonesome because your way of communicating tends to alienate people, quickly.

When we began this most recent adventure, I had no idea of what I wanted to do, I was operating out of fear. I appreciate your generosity with your knowledge and time to help me learn to deal with my newest situation and it's challenges. As I have grown and learned how to best cope with my situation, I need your immediate attention and hand holding less and less. This is a normal pattern; as the child grows up and develops the parent needs to stand back and let life take its course. Ours is a similar relationship. I am growing and making choices for myself, as well as my horse, and these choices should be respected even if you would make different choices. These are my choices to make, not yours.

To address your next point of concern, of course this summer is different than last summer. As time moves forward goals change, as do needs, commitments, relationships, stresses, and delights. Last summer I had different needs, as did you. Last summer I was not taking classes, trying to fix what I broke in my horses training, trying to forget how amazing my horses training was when I wasn't in charge and accept his mediocrity when I am in charge, and I was not facing the current set of intimidating circumstances. I am about to walk into the most intimidating courses of my education to date. I have been stressing about this since May, when I signed up for these classes. I have been avoiding these classes since my education began. I may have conquered math, but research is equally scary and there are two of those classes.

I don't ride on the property as much because I have been given the gift of use of a large arena with better footing. This has nothing to do with not liking you. This has nothing to do with not liking your property. This choice is made because when I broke several training aspects on my horse, I need a larger arena to achieve my goals right now. I cannot hand gallop in your indoor arena. I am not willing to fight with my horse in our outdoor arena; that would create more issues than it would solve. This choice is purely technical. There is nothing personal about this choice. I have the time to haul ten minutes up the road, and I am trying to make the best of my situation in order to reach my goals.

That is all.

Mulling it over...

People, in general, are high maintenance. Most adult humans need some form of consistent hand holding. No, not literally you goof, but in a psychological manner. Most people have no self worth, and are too quick to assume that because you don't choose to spend several hours with them every day something is terribly, irrevocably wrong.

Why can I not have many persons with whom I choose to spend my time? Why is this not ok with so many young and mature adult humans?! It blows my mind.

Am I so different from the mass adult population that I am capable of knowing, and enjoying many different people? My closest friend I see maybe once a month, but we call and txt. She is not jealous that I take time to trail ride with people. My closest friend doesn't ride horses at all, which is my passion. It's not a big deal to her that I spend most of my time and money in a truck hauling horses around the state to go riding with many other people who are not her!

Anyway. I am completely confused as to why mature women get all messed up when somebody who is 35 years younger than them doesn't want to hang out every damn day. It's not particularly natural that a 25 yr old woman would label her best friend as a 60 yr old woman. That's not a peer to peer relationship. It's not exactly healthy that one part of this wants to be a peer to peer relationship. Anyway, such is my situation. It is very frustrating and stressful.

I do care about the persons in my life, which makes it difficult to tell this person how I'm feeling and why I'm feeling that way. She's been my teacher, mentor, and generous family friend. She is a good person. I recognize the wonderful things about her; she does her best to keep my interests at heart.

I must remember to seek to understand. I must remember to judge only by intent, if I judge at all. We are only human, we will make mistakes. We will hurt each other. To quote a wise friend of mine who occasionally forgets that fact: Life is going to happen whether we want it to or not, the trick is to learn to minimize the damage.

Tonight, I wanna cry....

I do cognitively understand that I am in no way a failure for never earning regional awards on KM Kenny D (Kenny). This thought, however true, does not change my feelings about the situation.

I am happy that Haley and Kenny work so well together; they are a good team. These two will accomplish a lot of things. This is good for both the horse, and the rider.

I wish people wouldn’t forget who showed this horse while he was unhealthy. I put a lot of energy into him, and I feel like I failed. Haley is not stronger than I am, just heavier. Haley is not a better rider than I am, just younger. Youth competition is less rigorous than adult competition. Kenny is not the same horse who fell over as you braided him; he can feel his feet today. I feel overlooked, forgotten, and like my contribution meant nothing. I feel like I wasted my time. I feel like I failed.

Now that I have released this into the world, I'm going to cry.

Silence...

So, I'm really bad at fixing interpersonal things. I tend to watch them break, and never do anything other than think about ways to fix it and how much I really want it fixed. I'm a big chicken, and I don't fix things. Sad, isn't it? I've allowed some really good friendships to go cold because I'm too much of a chicken to call and say that I miss whoever.

Why is this? Why am I a big chicken? This is an honest question, because I have theories, but no real answer.

Handling the Rude

As a rule, people aren't usually rude to me. I like that, too. However, it's becoming a habit that one of my horse trainers is rude to my horse. This is twice now, within a year, that she's ridden him in a way that I find unacceptable. Too much jabbing, hard kicking, pulling, and yanking. Too much of him throwing his head, bucking, and telling her where to shove it. It doesn't work. He doesn't respond well with being handled that way. Some horses tolerate this. Not him.

So, what do I do? I'm not going to pretend that it's not happening when it upsets me quite a bit to see her train him in that manner. What I really want to know is if it's time to leave and use a new trainer, or ask her why she's being rude to him.